“Our Deepest Fear Is Not That We Are Inadequate”

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” -Marianne Williamson

So is this quote implying that our deepest fear is that of being adequate or even more than adequate? Does it mean that all my years of low self-esteem, poor self-image and a feeling of uselessness were just because I’m afraid that I am truly great? Could we be this complex as human beings? Maybe so.

Let’s see how this played out in one the one life I know the most about – mine. You might relate.

I have the usual story of someone growing up in a highly dysfunctional family. The messages I received quite directly from my parents were not ones that foster high self esteem and knowing understanding of who I was. I left my family home with a college degree and no self esteem – no self worth and feeling like I was a smile painted on a body.

With those qualifications, I quickly found a suitable replacement for my abusive parents –- an abusive husband. When one is deeply convinced that they are inadequate and have no value, poor relationships are a natural, inevitable outcome. For the most part, a young woman who is sure of her worth does not hook up, seemingly for life, with a guy who wants to control her and makes her feel weak.

But I am and was a lucky woman. I had a bottom line. After 15 years of hellish marriage and 4 kids later, I was more afraid of staying in that marriage than of leaving. To make a long story short, I walked out with 4 kids, no job and no money.

And it all worked out.

In the end, it was about learning to love and value myself. I needed to overcome obstacles to realize I am truly adequate. I had to search for and discover the vaster purpose to my problems rather then just feel bad and wake up to one more day to feel bad again. Even feeling lousy about yourself has a purpose – if you will just be willing to learn to look for it.

To overcome the fear of either inadequacy or adequacy, I can make some simple suggestions that will help. However, if you have deep wounds like I did, you will need to do some real inner work. This may be challenging but will work for you.

• When you wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself one thing you like about yourself. Try to increase the number of things you can find that you like.

• Ask trusted people to tell you what they like about you. Ask them via email and save what they say to read when you are feeling not so great about yourself.

• Give yourself more credit than you normally would for anything you accomplish.

• Mentally go over your list of friends. Make sure they are positive and supportive people otherwise think of finding new friends.

• Trust your emotions. Find ways to make sure you are heard by someone understanding.

This is the work I’ve done on and for myself for over 30 years. What I listed above is a small list of the work that needs to be done if you are one whose wounds are very deep and whose self esteem has been deeply damaged. But regardless of whether our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, it can be done. It is a journey.