What Did Charlie Sheen Do, Say at Roast?

In an epic night of roasting at the expense of Charlie Sheen’s ego, actors and actresses lined up the podium to dish it on the enigmatic star. Kate Walsh, William Shatner, Seth McFarlane, amongst others gave memorable one-liner jabs.

Looking a bit less roughed up than the previous months, Sheen took it all with heart and at the end of it, he gave a very touching response — pretty much announcing all the “WINNING” shenanigans he’d be ridiculed for in the past year are over. Of course, not without first giving one last dig to his former boss Chuck Lorre, who publicly railed him into a firing last March.

You can’t hurt me. Hell, I can’t even hurt me. Drugs couldn’t kill me. Sex couldn’t kill me. The press couldn’t kill me. Two and a Half Men couldn’t kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were gonna hurt me? I’m the Wild Thing, Ricky [effing] Vaughn man, you’re looking at a guy who thrives on chaos. At 10 years old, I was on the set of Apocalypse Now, playing in the Philippine jungle, playing with severed heads … and when I did Ferris Bueller, my first line in the film was ‘Drugs?’ I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid. I went on to have the biggest salary on television. Sounds great, right? It was. No, really, it [effing] was.

I did porn stars, I did drugs, I had my own television show … and then I did the one thing that everyone in America wishes they could do: I told my boss to [eff] off. And then it was gone—in one public fiery flameout. And it was only when the smoke cleared that I realized how lucky I am because, even after all that, I still have a family that loves me. That’s why they’re not here tonight. Yeah, they’ve seen me in jail. They’ve seen me rushed to emergency rooms. They’ve seen me dragged to court. But seeing me on basic cable would kill them. But I know that my family will always be there for me. So, what I’m trying to say is I’m done with the ‘winning’ because I’ve already won. This roast may be over, but I’m Charlie Sheen, and in here burns an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe.